How feminism has informed my marriage.

If you find my following words to be nothing new or relevant to you, feel free to simply move on. But if what I have to say is something different, maybe even helpful, then please take the time to read and share!

The idea behind this post came to me this morning as I was stepping into the shower. Before I closed the door and turned the water on, I had paused in front of Hunter and asked, "Is it alright if I get a shower?" he said, "Yeah! Go for it!" So I did.

As I stepped into the tub, I cringed at what certain friends and family members of mine would have thought and even said, if they had been there to witness that moment. "You don't need to ask permission to shower!"

And they would be right. I don't need to.

But Hunter might need me to. The question I asked was verbalized a certain way, but what I was really saying was, "is now a good time for me to step away and leave you to watch the puppy and baby and take care of his morning poopy diaper and walk the dog since he hasn't been out yet this morning and also probably get a pot of coffee going?" It wasn't permission to get clean. It was a considerate inquisition as to whether my husband was ready to take on the morning on his own for a couple of minutes. Was it required of me? No. But I respected him and his preferences enough to ask, which is exactly what I would hope he would do for me.

I know people who would snarl if asked for a hand with their bags to the car. Men and women. It's either, "No, I'm too macho." or "What? You don't think I can handle it on my own?" Those are the extremes, and people who get touchy about those offers are usually the most insecure, but I'm noticing that this can be down scaled a lot and show up in my own life with out even being recognized.

The whole idea behind the feminist movement is not to be given more than men, but simply equal parts. Equal rights, equal respect, and equal voice. Somehow though, the efforts to attain these things are driving wedges between men and women but also giving us ladies a measure of scorn for the things that we are just straight up good at because of our gender.

Ugh, I cringe writing such a sensitive post because I don't like being attacked. People can come out of the wood works to tell me how gender plays less of a role in a person's personality and tendencies than the environment they grew up in does, and for some individuals, that may be true. If you immerse a boy in the fashion industry from a young age, he will grow up with good taste. But I don't care how many times I explain patterns and colors and "matching" to Hunter. I will always, always, always, be better off dressing Judah than he will be. Or maybe I should say, Judah would be better off.

And because of the fact that I am a woman, and grew up being told I was "such a pretty girl" or that I had put on weight, I am far more aware of my body and face than Hunter is. My grandmother has told me stories of her plate being taken away from her when she went to get seconds at a meal and then being told, "you don't need that." Bigotry and patriarchy runs deep in my family tree. I get insecure over the same comments that would roll off his back like water on a duck. But if we go away on a trip somewhere? Hunter is the one who gets homesick. He cries during and enjoys chick flicks more than I do, and he is a far superior cook. Neither one of us is more emotional, or inferior in intelligence or ability than the other. And neither one of us fits the traditional gender stereotypes perfectly.

I've been reading a book by Malcolm Gladwell that my therapist recommended. Did you know that mitigation is one of the leading causes behind plane crashes? If you don't already know, mitigation is just a sugar coating of words. A polite "request" on behalf of an inferior. For example, the second in command to a Pilot on the flight may notice something and instead of directly telling the Captain, "there's too much ice on the wings. It's unsafe to fly." he would comment, "Whoo. Did you see the ice outside on the wings? Do you think it might be a good idea to check them before take off?" It takes away urgency and clarity, making ignorance a easier and therefore more likely option for the Captain. Because of this, every major airline has instituted something called "Crew Resource Management" training. There is now a standardized procedure requiring that the First Officers make three attempts to warn the captain of a concern. They are trained to state, "Captain I'm concerned about..." followed by "Captain, I'm uncomfortable with..." then finally "Captain, I believe the situation is unsafe." If all efforts to correct the situation are ignored, the copilot is required to take over.

Hunter and I work together much like a pilot and copilot. There are two of us manning the plane. Two eyes and two pairs of hands are more likely to make fewer mistakes, right? However, I look to Hunter for guidance and leadership. This differs from my example of pilot and copilot in the sense that Hunter is not my superior and he is not more "experienced than me." He is also, not necessarily smarter than me, although I must concede almost every argument over a fact or problem ends with the discovery that he is right and I am wrong (Except for that one time that I was right about the lyrics to "Blue Shadows On The Trail" from The Three Amigos). The reason that I choose to follow Hunter's leadership is because 1) two leaders doesn't work well, at least not in our home. 2) I hate making big decisions. I hate choosing what to make for dinner, let alone big financial decisions or life altering career moves. 3) Hunter has confided in me that it does give him a sense of purpose and satisfaction to provide for and protect our family through setting an example and working. I know so many women who bring home the bacon for their families. That's not a bad thing and its only one form of providing for the family. For whatever reason, we've associated the bread winner with the head of the home. But there are so many areas that need a "captain" in a family. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, man the list goes on. The position that I've chosen to take in some of these areas is as first officer, following the lead of Hunter but speaking up, clearly and unapologetically when something concerns me.

If Hunter fails me then, when I've spoken up about a legitimate problem, then I choose to step in for the sake of the family as a whole. That hasn't happened before, but for the sake of theory.

Communication is really the crucial thing here, just as it is in the cockpit. But the sad reality is that the more women try to talk to men about why and how they would like their rights, the more the men stick their fingers in their ears and scream.

This morning while I was telling Hunter about my idea for this post, he asked me why I thought women hated the domestic stereotype so much. My response was two part, "Pride and the fact that we've been forced into it for so long with no voice or choice." The first half, the pride part, is in reference to what I said earlier about our new found scorn for things that we are "supposed" to be good at. Like laundry, and making sandwiches, and keeping a cozy/clean home. I'm not exempt from this. If Hunter came home from work, looked around and said, "why isn't the house clean??" and then sat down and demanded I make him a sandwich...well lets just say the only sandwich in his future would be a knuckle one. But dang, I'm good at making sandwiches! And when we first moved into our apartment, almost everything Hunter unpacked and put up wound up getting moved and redone by me because I like my space the way I like it. We have our style and we have that "eye" that can just tell when a picture would look good here instead of there and a certain throw pillow fits better in that corner rather than the center of the couch. We are good at home making and I don't think that's a shameful thing.

The reason that we have tried to "cast off the shackles of yesterday!" as Mrs. Banks from Mary Poppins would say, is because the role of housewife and mom was our only option for decades. Our gifts were turned into shackles.

When you start asking, "whose the boss in this family?" the whole idea behind a leader, a good leader, is undercut. Making rules and telling others what to do is on the bottom of the list of running a home or a plane or a country. Humility and a servants heart has to be present in order for there to be true success.

There was once a General who sat on top of his horse barking orders at the privates who were busy digging trenches. "Hurry up!" he would snap. He was stressed over a deadline. A man walking by noticed this and paused in front of the general's horse to inquire why he did not get down and help his men to increase the speed of their progress. "I'm a general!" he said. "I don't dig trenches! I direct others to!" The man then took off his jacket, picked up a shovel, and began to work alongside the rest of the privates. When they were through, the man climbed out of the trench and told the General to get off of his horse and go home. The man was President George Washington.

Women are good at serving. We are good at loving others and having compassion, and we are good at nurturing and growing small things into big things. That's why we have been so good at running happy homes, baking treats for the neighbors, raising kids, and creating a safe, comfortable environment for our men to come home to after a really long hard day at work for the past several decades.

But its also why we would be excellent leaders in politics, and non profits, and run successful businesses as the CEO. Because we know how to lead well. Not better than men. Just different from men.

Communication between Hunter and I is how we stay afloat. We don't "expect" anything of the other, per say. Some mornings, Hunter takes the dog out. Some nights I cook dinner. Some afternoons I take Judah so Hunter can go to the gym, and some weekends, Hunter works extra on Saturdays. But we don't get upset with one another if a task that they normally have completed isn't done. I remember one of the first months of Hunter's and my marriage I got behind on laundry. He had attempted in the past to help run the loads and dry them, but there were so many running shorts and undergarments and wicking tops that I didn't want put in the dryer that I just said, "Don't do the laundry. I've got it." It was too complicated for him to keep track of it all and I didn't want to risk a beloved pair of leggings. One day, Hunter and I decided to meet at the gym after work. He had asked me to bring a change of clothes for him, but as I began ruffling through his drawers, I discovered that he was completely out of clean shorts. I called him up to see if he knew of another pair hiding somewhere in the house. "Oh yeah!" he said nonchalantly. "I totally forgot I'm out of shorts!" I was confused. "Wait. You knew? How long have all of your shorts been dirty?" He paused to think and then responded with, "about a week, I think." The poor man had been recycling the same pants because he didn't want to pester me about laundry. "Why didn't you just tell me you needed your shorts washed?" I asked, utterly confused. "Because I knew you'd get to it when you found the time. I also care more about your level of stress than the state of my clothes." I was floored.

I realized that day that no matter how little I did for Hunter or how much I did for him, he would love me the same. It's the kind of love we are called to. Unconditional. I ask Hunter all the time, why do you love me? And he just says, "Because I love you." I used to expect him to say, "Because you make me laugh", or "because you make me happy" but he never has given me a reason. "If I love you because you make me laugh," he says, "then what would happen if one day you stopped making me laugh?"

That was a bit of a tangent, but do you see how roles and expectations for those roles doesn't fit very well into a relationship based on service and unconditional love? Roles should provide clarity and ease, not expectation to perform.

None of this is original, but I've found that when Hunter and I follow these guidelines, our roles are not only fulfilled, but they are full of meaning and purpose.

References:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.