The joy of not being good enough.

I give up really easy. Like, I might take three shots at something and then I'm out. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with ego and not wanting to look silly, but a lot of it has to do with patience as well. I've said it before, but few things can keep me occupied for an extended period of time. I hate long car trips because I'm confined in a small space for hours, I can't sit still for a movie unless I'm working on a project while it plays, if I get through more than two chapters of a book at a time then it means it's a really really really good one, and because of the diverse nature of cleaning, it has become one of my favorite things to do around my apartment.

I'm a chronic dabbler of sorts. I dabbled in soccer, rugby, painting, pottery, track and field, guitar, piano, tennis, gymnastics, bouldering, and even dating. Hunter (my husband) was my very first long term committed relationship that earned a label. My track record with each of these is a lot like the stop and go pattern of a stick shift being driven by a novice. Very inconsistent, and I didn't make it very far down the road. If I am impatient, I am equally as easy to distract. Or maybe I should say...just easy to discourage.

I remember sulking on the sidelines of a high school soccer game after my coach had pulled me off the field and benched me. I wasn't playing up to par and so he put someone else in who would actually get their butt in gear. I showed the same disinterest and laxity during the following soccer practices so I lost my starting position. My coach told me I could have it back when I showed him I wanted it. I never started after that.

In retrospect, I can see how my reaction to my so called "failures" or simple disappointments with outcomes/performances was just plain immature, but there was also a bit of ambiguity about why I was choosing to invest my time and self in them. I liked the idea of a lot of the things that I "tried out". Sure, it would be cool to learn to do a back hand spring and front flip. Yes, I'd like to be super fast and strong. Ok, he's pretty cute. But what I didn't understand was that when I "began" something, I entered into a contract with it, and that contract demanded attention and time. However much I put in, was what I would receive in return. But I put nothing/very little of myself into my chosen hobbies and therefore, I remained inexperienced and uncoordinated. It's a lot like standing in front of a gum ball machine yelling at it to do it's part and give you your dang bubble gum when you yourself have neglected to put in a quarter.

As a result of my deflating series of flops, I stuck with skills that I knew well. Do I play a sport? I can carry all of my groceries up three flights of stairs with a baby strapped to my chest. Do I play an instrument? Pick any song on my spotify playlist and I'll lip sync it word for word. Any hidden talents or gifts? I am so very punctual. I play it safe. But safe stuff isn't any fun. Think about it...what are things that you could do with your eyes closed? Scrub dishes, brush your teeth, change the sheets on your bed, shred paper...sit. And then what are the things that are SUPER fun? Surfing, flying on a trapeze, riding a snow mobile or jet ski, ice skating, dirt biking, snowboarding, or ice climbing....or if you aren't as adventurous, maybe something closer to making pizza or crocheting, or tie dying, or writing, or painting, or wood working, or designing, or blowing glass. All of those things are super duper interesting and fun, but odds are you are going to really stink at them the first couple of times you try.

I LOVE to snowboard. My hun and I went for our honey moon and are returning again for our two year anniversary on New Years. However, my first THREE trips to the slopes were absolutely miserable. I spent 50% of my time on my backside. The other 50% was spent on my face. I got bruises all over and snow in way too many crevices. I crossed the line that runs between painfully awful at snowboarding and moderately ok at snowboarding just in time for my first visit to a ski lodge with Hunter. Man, it was so worth all those bruises.

I watched a documentary on Lady Gaga yesterday, of whom I've very recently become a big fan. The movie was called Five Foot Two. My guess is that this is her height. There was a moment of footage that caught Gaga taking a smoke break. She paused to blow a swirl out her lips before saying, "Writing songs is a lot like heart surgery. Every time it's extremely invasive."

Isn't everything that is enjoyable?

When you invest yourself into something that you love, it becomes a joy to work with, on, or alongside it. Whether its your footwork with a soccer ball or your marriage, when something becomes a passion, you are allowing it to enter in to the deeper parts of yourself. The deep parts that you care about. That's why you work so diligently on it, isn't it? Because you care. I'm not just talking about skills here either. Physically invasive things can be out of this world too. Sex and food, anyone?

Sorry, mom. I know you read my posts.

I highly recommend checking out Lady Gaga's documentary by the way, and also the movie that she recently starred in, A Star Is Born. There were a few nuggets from it that I pulled away that I still want to write about but...they are for another day and another time.

So what's my point behind this whole shpeel? I think it's something along the lines of this: if you are frustrated by something that you are choosing to work on 1) Decide why you're doing.

2) Once you do, weigh the work/investment that it demands and the benefits of the reward. P.s. the benefits don't need to be anything more than sheer pleasure.

3) If the reward is outweighed by the work, then quite.

4) If the work is outweighed by the reward, then remind yourself that the effort and investment is not a bad thing, it's normal and also a sign that you care.

This has been ground breaking for me. I always thought, up until this point, that my terrible first attempts at any and everything was a neon sign from God telling me that I was not put on this earth to create/do anything that required skill or artistry or coordination. It's very ironic that I'm just now understanding that everything worth achieving is difficult to achieve since I've heard this revolutionary news at least a million times before now. I guess it takes different styles and forms for the message to get across. I hope mine got through to you, but if it didn't and you still don't understand why you're stuck in a rut with everything you seem to put your hands to, then just trust in this promise: you will someday understand, but until then, don't give up on yourself or your passions. Keep reaching for the things you aren't good enough at. They will someday bring you so much joy!