I hope my son is a "screw up"

I haven't had an official "momma bear" moment yet. And by that I mean, I haven't yelled at or punched someone in the face in defense of my child or my title as his mother. There admittedly have been a few moments in which I've rolled my eyes at a stranger who, I'm sure, had the best intentions of helping out a first time mom through sharing personal advice or instruction on how to take care of my cub, but I've never actually exploded on anyone. Like most mommas, I really love my baby and I want what's best for him. I hope he gets a good education, fun buddies, awesome memories, the very best nutrition I can stuff in him, and someday, the chance to grow his own happy family.

I don't want Judah to experience pain or heart break or disappointment or discouragement. But I know he inevitably will. His life will take turns that I've most likely already hoped and prayed against and odds are, I will look back on my role in his life someday and ask myself, "where did I go wrong?"

I'm not saying any of this based off of my lack of confidence in my son's ability to grow into a good person, or even in my potential as a parent. But I'm under no delusions that Judah isn't human, and whether it be next year during a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store aisle, or a flat out rejection of me and everything I taught him toward the end of his life, I know a moment will come when I will doubt everything I ever did as his mother.

It makes me sad to think about that moment, but I hope it comes. I truly pray that my son genuinely screws up big time at least once in his life. Because whether or not he grows into the most perfect, obedient child/human that's ever existed, he will still be full of sin and fault, and the only thing worse than a broken creature, is a broken creature that thinks it's perfectly fine.

I am that creature. I was the chaplain of my high school, I attended a Private Christian liberal arts college, I went on several missions trips within my years as a student, I didn't drink or party, and if you'd really like to know too much information, I didn't have sex before marriage and Hunter was my very first kiss. Guys, I've never even smoked weed. Your mom has probably smoked weed.

So sorry if all of that was more than you wanted to know, but what I've just outlined for you was the first few lines of my license to judge. I didn't realize it at the time because I actually had lots of friends who were much more "chill" than I was, and I honestly didn't care if they chose to party or do drugs. I could hang, but I retained a lofty mindset that kept me not only from truly connecting with the people I was surrounded by, but through my lack of empathy and understanding, rendered incapable of caring for them in the way a true friend should.

Sadly, when we try to live in a way that the scripture tells us is pleasing to God, it has potential to pull us into a small bubble with a select few who have decided to stuff their deep desires and follow the rules. It's kind of like a club. Actually it's very similar to an ancient niche of individuals called Pharisees. This makes it very tempting to look down your nose at everyone who isn't squished into the bubble with you. In fact, our attitude towards those who don't struggle with sin in the same way that we do is very similar to an addiction. If you've never had a sip of alcohol it can be easy for you to look at someone who's having a difficult time sobering up and say, "What's the big deal? Just don't drink any more!" but for them, the battle is much more steep and the journey unfathomably hard.

When you've been a good girl your whole life, it makes certain things way less tempting. If I'd started drinking in high school, I most likely would have partied at college. If I'd slept with one guy, I probably would have slept with a few more. If I had shoplifted, I know I would have tried it again.

The reason why I hope Judah has his own mess up moment is for the sake of his relationship to the rest of the world. Because I didn't ask if it was alright for me to share this, I won't mention this guys name, but Hunter and I made a trip to visit him and his wife a few weeks ago. While we were there he told us that one of his biggest problems with Christians is how much distance they put between themselves and the rest of the world. He's always kept his relationship to God close and personal for the sake of his friendships to people who don't share his beliefs. It isn't out of shame, but out of an effort to prevent the possible feelings of judgement from interfering in his closeness to these friends. I don't think that the Gospel and modern culture can't interact with out there being harsh words or insecurities exposed, but it takes a delicate hand and lots of wisdom. It was during that visit that I realized how much my lack of experience with "screwing up" had effected my perception and connection with society.

I not only judged the people in my life, but I didn't understand them.

Oh my goodness, when I had acne I would get SO MAD at everyone who would try to offer advice on how to get rid of it. All the time, people would ask me,

"Do you wash your face?"

"Have you tried spot treatment?"

"How often do you change your pillow case?"

"Do you wear a lot of makeup?"

And although they had good intentions and a genuine desire to help me, THE ONLY THING THAT THEY SUCCEEDED IN DOING WAS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE POOH AND VERY MUCH ALONE IN MY PAIN.

Wow. This is exactly where I found myself. I had been the person looking at other's scars and asking, "have you tried this?" with out having had any experience with what they were going through. In short, I don't want my baby to develop a bunch of mental and emotional issues. I don't want him to drink too much, or sleep around, or threaten other people, or get a DUI. But if he does, I pray he will bring those faults to the same place that he brought his confession of taking candy when I told him he couldn't have any more, and pulling his sister's hair, because they are equally as easy to forgive. Because with that knowledge in his back pocket, the truth that he can do the same terrible nonsense that half of the world does on a regular basis, and still find peace, is a message that needs to be passed around and not just from the rule followers, but from those who have been there, done that, and found this: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9