White Rabbit Syndrome

The idea of flying for a business trip has always sounded so appealing to me. Or maybe just fancy. I imagine waking up before the sun and putting on some really comfortable clothes to travel in (you know, super sleek Lululemon leggings with a soft blouse that's casual but also makes you look like a million bucks). I would then make a delicious breakfast smoothie and hot almond milk with a splash of coffee to go. I can see myself sitting in my important seat on the important plane taking me to my important meeting, pulling out my headphones and laptop to work on a really important project or piece for my work...probably something related to the important meeting I'm headed to. It's ironic that I would entertain a daydream like this since I absolutely hate being in confined spaces for a long period of time and am a self-proclaimed grumpy traveler. There's something different about flying though. The amount of effort that goes into getting from Point A to Point B almost makes the experience exhilarating in my mind. I'm sure there are others who will feel differently, and I admittedly have had my moments during which I've told myself that I would be perfectly fine to never set foot on a plane again, usually after the 7th airline meal on a trip to or from Asia. But still, here I am listening to Podcasts and looking up interviews with individuals who live the life I presume to be brimming with meaning, excitement, and lots of business flights. A purposeful existence, you might say.

Once again, I find myself at the YMCA listening to a podcast, this time stretching out on a mat after my body told me, "No more." after my 3 mile run. But keen on making the most of the 2 hours of childcare I'm allowed, I remained there, flowing through the most unintentional series of stretches and yoga poses while listening intently to an episode on The Balanced Blonde with guest speaker, Kelly Leveque. How cliché am I?

For a while, hearing the stories/journeys of those who had "gone before me" so to speak, on the road to success and achieving one's dreams was a source of motivation as well as discouragement. There seemed to be a stark difference between the measure of purpose that Sally Sue's day produced, and mine. She'd used the past 365 days to write a best seller, found a non profit, and build a company from the ground up. I, on the other hand, had a blurred year which included endless loads of laundry, a magical sink that produced dirty dishes out of thin air, and two high energy babies (one furry, and the other, the normal kind) that amounted to seemingly absolutely nothing. After listening to these inspiring success stories, I'd take my headphones off my hanging head and return to my meaningless daily routine. It seemed like a rinse and repeat cycle of everything from my hair to my carpet. Keep it clean and fresh so that tomorrow you can mess it again. The dirt in the diaper, the hair in the drain, the chicken juice in the fridge drawer. I felt as though my efforts to slow the process of life's wear and tear on my home and surroundings was in turn increasing the wear and tear on my dreams and ambition.

And so I continue the dirge of the overworked and undervalued housewife.

I don't mind the work I do at home. In fact, I really love the role I play in my family. However, I wish there was a "plus also" to my day to day routine. I, like most individuals, want to feel that there is something of worth produced when the sun goes down and that, in a way, I can sit back, put my feet up and say, "It is good" and not just be referring to the dinner I cooked.

So there I sit, on my backside stretching the hammies, and the host of the podcast asks Kelly, "So, what are you looking forward to MOST right now?" They had just finished discussing her new best seller and a massive explosion in her publicity that had skyrocketed her onto all types of platforms like Good Morning America and several health and wellness magazines. I was expecting her response to be something along the lines of, "achieving all the goals and dreams I ever had as a little girl because now they are so clearly and easily attainable!" or "Early retirement!" but instead she said something along the lines of, "Chilling out." Like she just wanted to be home with her baby and husband for a solid few months. And that's when it hit me. We've been told by many people who have "been there, done that" that the high life isn't all its cracked up to be. But, I mean. C'mon. Having year round vacations to private islands and your own fancy jet has got to be pretty nice. Or if that isn't your cup of tea (because to be honest, it isn't really mine) what about all the organic produce you could ever desire at your fingertips, a custom kitchen, and an influence/voice in the areas of our culture that you really care about or have an interest in? That's got to be nice. And that's exactly what I realized, in that moment when I heard this woman who was living the life I dreamed of, said she just wanted to chill with her baby. It's just nice, and nothing more.

We can perceive our role in this world and the place where we exist within it to be irrelevant or just plain boring, but what could be worse than never achieving your dreams? Achieving them and still feeling irrelevant. Or worse, believing that you are finally relevant and then finding out that your career or whatever it is that you spent your life building doesn't define you and never could.

I once heard that Kim Kardashian's only wish for her birthday was to have an entire grocery store emptied and reserved so that she could do her own shopping for food. I get to enjoy Kim K's birthday wish every single week!

I've begun playing a game with myself that was created while nursing my baby to sleep. Sleep training still hasn't happened in our household so Judah relies on me and milk to shut his eyes. Unfortunately, this can take longer than my patience and the ants in my pants would like, so I'd find myself getting irrationally frustrated. The darling little boy would lay peacefully at my side, suckling on his mother who, unbeknownst to him, was on the verge of flying into a fit of rage because it had been forty minutes since she had begun the process of putting him to sleep and dinner was getting cold. So what I started doing to calm those anxious nerves, was to try and imagine what it was that I needed to get to. What would I do once I left the bedroom and sleeping baby? Was it food? Ok, yes. If I had not eaten, I would just get mad. But was it something you wanted to work on? Read? Clean? Usually, upon investigation, there was no pressing activity or task that I really wanted to move on to. I was just tired of the place in which I currently was. After admitting this to myself, I would try and soak up the moment that I had been pushing so hard against. How many more nights do I have snuggled up next to this baby? I don't know. It helps me realize that I don't have anywhere else I need or even want to be, and that the moment I am in is absolutely worth my time and attention.

But that's just a moment in the day. What's really tough, for me anyway, is being ok with the same ol' same ol' throughout the WHOLE day. This is why I've always been a terrible employee. The predictability of going into an office or waitressing for 8 hours, is basically like being given a crystal ball in which you can see the next 24 hours of your life, and then finding out that it is going to be completely boring and pretty much the same as yesterday's crystal ball forecast: mundane with a slight chance of hangry. Is it any wonder that most people drag their feet on Monday? So here's the problem that we find ourselves in, and it is in fact, the same problem that I had during my high school years. The tasks and responsibilities that fill our day serve as a scape goat for our own laziness when it comes to pursuing the things that we "really want" to do but "just can't seem to find the time" to do them. I would make so many plans during the winter months of my school year, telling myself that when summer rolled around and I FINALLY didn't have homework or hours at the Academy sucking away my life, that I would throw myself into learning guitar, painting, hiking, increasing my running speed, making kombucha, and learning Italian. May hits. Boom. I am rendered incapable of leaving my bed and couch.

I guess it makes sense. When we finally get a break from the hustle and bustle of the things that we MUST do, all we want to do is rest and put our feet up. But do you know what I suspect, and what I've actually experienced to be true for myself? That putting the initial effort in, to pursue something that you actually love, is more energizing and nourishing for the body than just flat out laying around. For me, it's kind of like sleeping in on Saturday morning. If I go past 8am in bed, I feel groggy and tired for the whole day. But if I'm able to drag myself out of bed at 5:30am? I'm energizer bunny!

So then, if you didn't have your 9-5 jobs keeping you tethered to a schedule, and you could afford to visit Bora Bora several times a year, and there was a cleaning crew that visited your home every week, what would you do with your time? In other words, where is it/what is it that you are so anxious to get to that has caused you to resent the place you currently are? If you have a difficult time identifying this project or dream, you definitely aren't alone. And maybe that can help you settle down and find a bit more enjoyment in the routine you currently find yourself in. But, once you DO figure out what it is you want to do apart from those responsibilities that cause you to look forward to Holidays and the weekend, then (and heres the kicker) go ahead and do it!

I often feel like the White Rabbit from Alice In Wonderland, running around frantically saying, "I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! No time to say 'hello!', goodbye! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!" on his way to blow a trumpet for the queen of hearts. The poor guy was more fear driven than anything else, and although I'm sure he felt as if his duties to her Royal Majesty were quite important, I can't help but think he would have been of far more help to Alice if he had just stopped and said "Hello!" or given her some sort of directions.

Anyway, before I go too far down this rabbit trail (you can always assume my puns are intended), I'll insert the final points that I'm trying to make. There's nothing special or different about anyone else's life that puts them on a different level of meaning, value, or purpose. You aren't missing out on anything except the things that you wish to be a part of yet neglect to take initiative with, and you aren't wasting your life if you don't have "anything to show" for the past several years of your work but you and the people in your life are close relationally and happy. Honestly, what defines something as boring or pointless in the first place? I think it's all based on personal opinion. Knitting and football are the perfect examples. I love one and can't stand the other. I'm sure many feel this way, whether visa versa or versa visa.

It's become easier for me to perceive the little things that I do every day in the same glamorous way that I perceive business flights since realizing this. What's better than opening the blinds in the morning and letting the sunshine in? What feels nicer than a good tooth brushing to start your day? How NICE is it to drive to work with the heat on high while watching the sun come up? Don't you love the smell of freshly tumbled laundry? All that I've just said is nothing new, but you'll forget this simple truth several times within your lifespan. Maybe this read can offer a bit of inspiration between now and your next reminder, but in the mean time, why not take the first steps toward pursuing the things you've always dreamed of, and if you can't think of any, enjoy the dream you're already living, because even if it doesn't feel like one to you, your reality may be just what someone else is wishing for.