Genuinely generous

I've never thought that I was an extravagant or high maintenance individual. I mean, comparably. Do you ever see a really sleek sports car or designer pair of shoes and think, "Those are nice, but why would you choose to spend that much money on something that goes on your feet?" Maybe that's just me, and I can't really appreciate a good quality shoe, but it isn't uncommon for me to see someone who is better off financially, and think of how I would do things differently were I in their shoes (pun intended).

This morning, when I went to apply some CC cream to my freshly moisturized face with my beauty blender, I noticed that the humid climate of our home had caused mold to begin to grow on it. I instantly tossed it in the garbage and made a mental note to myself to pick one up at the store the next chance I had. As I continued to manually apply my natural, vegan makeup to my skin, I began to think about the monetary value of all the "necessities" that scattered my bathroom counter. A detangling brush, round brush, makeup brush(es), makeup for my face, makeup for my eyes, makeup for my lips, and things to clean the makeup off my face and things to help the makeup go on my face and stick to my face. Things to put in my hair to make it voluminous, things to put in my hair to make it feel soft, things to make it smell nice, and things to make it look healthy. There were things to clean out all the things that I used to make it look big and full, and things to condition it after I used the things to clean it. In short, there were just a lot of things.

Yesterday, Hunter had asked that I take time to listen to a sermon on Habakuk that he had been working his way through during his drive to work. I found the time and actually really enjoyed the message.

The sermon was on generosity, and so initially when I saw the title, "Generosity in Scarcity" I was reluctant to click play. Maybe I lean a little farther on the stingy, self righteous side of the spectrum than most people, but sermons that talk about how and what I should use my resources for always leave me feeling guilty and a little annoyed. But this particular sermon was actually somewhat inspiring.

I think a great deal of my new found excitement to jump into a more intentional way of living when it comes to money and time has to do with the fact that we just bought a home and are simultaneously in the process of moving to a different continent. This may not make sense to you, but in truth, it's given me an immense need to find faith and security in God's providence. More than that, it's given me a stronger desire to dig into what it means to know and love the One from whom all these blessings, gifts, securities, and "necessities" are ultimately coming from. Miraculously, as I've undertaken this endeavor, I am finding that the securities and necessities that I've felt so attached to for the entirety of my adult life, are evolving into the source itself, that is, the Lord.

I, like most people who believe in Christ, His life, and what He did for us while He was with us, have a difficult time returning to a more intentional way of living after a "dry spell" of not reading about, thinking of, praying to, or even wanting Him. There always seems to be a twinge of guilt at the thought of picking up my dusty Bible and even bitterness toward those who encourage me in my pursuits of Him, or unknowingly remind me that I've been a "bad Christian." Getting back into a "groove" so to speak, of feeling good about myself and my spirituality is tough. It's only after I do that I can clearly recollect the fact that I actually benefit from and deeply need Him not only in my life, but at the core of it.

This sermon shed some light in my mind on how distorted my thinking on necessities and daily living is. I, although as I previously mentioned, wouldn't consider myself to be a particularly wealthy or extravagant person in my way of living, am beginning to learn how many material, societal, and hygienic privileges I would consider a "must." Finding time to reflect on their source and the reality, that none of them are guaranteed or even deserved is, in many ways, helping to bring me back to a place that allows me to live freely in His Love and Grace, without losing the importance of intentionality along with it.

I feel as if most of the readers who were brave enough to click on this link have already Xed out of the tab and left me here. This post is getting dangerously close to one of those boring, self revelatory, mini sermons that I have such a difficult time personally trudging through on other's blogs and profiles...but here's the point I'm ultimately trying to dot. I hope you didn't miss it.

You're "heart" dictates where your resources go. Nothing new or original, but for me, in this newly inspired mental state, I found a beautiful new source of fertilizer for my dry, growing grounds.

As I curiously flip through my Bible, and intentionally seek out specific questions regarding tithing, managing a budget, living in a comfortable way, living in an uncomfortable way, challenging myself versus punishing myself, and living for Christ versus living for my need to feel like I'm living for Christ, I am beginning to develop a greater understanding of how abundance is great, abounding, overflowing, and in many ways, overwhelming, when we find our hearts suddenly resting in the truth that the Gospel offers.

In a lot of ways, I feel as if this resource of all that is good and desirable is the inverse of a black hole. An endless, bottomless, ongoing explosion of all a heart or being could need. We simply have to find our way into His presence before we benefit from Him and, more importantly, Love Him.